Sunday, February 05, 2006

Mood of the Day: Angsty

Scientific me: A black hole is formed usually when a star collapses on itself... this blog marks the start of a human black hole, when a vibrant happy person with a dark side falls to it. He collapses and a black hole takes his place, empty and distraught.

I have given up on trying to believe in God. I have too many disbeliefs and questions that have not been answered in any manner. I have given up on going to church, cause the people there are not the friendly and accepting bunch I was impressed upon. True enough, when you go to church, you get a 'warm welcome'. Ushers greet you with smiling faces, your friend introduces you to more friends, everyone seems happy and friendly. Then it leads to integration, whereby all the regulars' jobs are to make you as happy as possible so you fall into their trap of, ironically, worldly desires. Then when you become a regular, you get bombarded with 'sheep', a term used for baby Christians. I find this extremely laughable. Christians focus on the breadth of relationships. Like "hey look, I've got seven hundred thousand two hundred and four sheep? Ain't I great?" and not "hey I've got one best friend, and we're becoming a clique!" To hell with evangelism. If God had a plan, it must not have been to trick others into church and then leave them hanging there doing your job. Church is supposed to be enjoyable. ENJOYABLE. and this is what happens. No one even confirmed with me like "hey Alex how's it going? Do you finally believe in God?" Even though i try hard to think that everyone coincidence is a 'blessing' to me, its NOT WORKING. i prayed today that i may reach bishan mrt in time. and then i did, cos i estimated 10:40. i reached at 10:39. So now this is a 'blessing'. In the past I thought it was coincidence. Guess what? Still do. Why should i believe in something that leaves a person feeling hollow and neglected? For the 'accompaniment(not friendship)'? So that you can fellowship with fellow Christian acquaintances? I have always focused on the QUALITY of relationships. Mee Han, I hate you for bringing me to this church. This church of facades and NATO. Pastor's witty and everything, that's another story. You all say the people make up God's church. We are the body of Christ. And you focus on making Christ's body bigger without caring for malfunctions and defects. Now I understand why most of my school aren't Christians. They ARE actually smart enough, or have had the experience before. Since you INVITE persecution this way, why resent it? The founder of this thing called Christianity is very smart. He/She makes it such that to FULFILL your religion you must invite friends to church, and this whole religion thing is just crap. Its all about faith. like WHAT THE FUCK. Everyone says have faith, have faith, I'm basing my faith on WHAT? I can have faith in Judaism, Buddhism, how the FUCK do we know which is the real one, and you all proclaim that yours is the true one. who the HELL knows? You can't even trace it back to its roots. As for that damn book called the Bible, ANYONE CAN WRITE A FUCKING STORYBOOK to cheat all you gullible asses. So there. If you all can't think, I can. And this is not called pride. Its what I like to call, REVELATION. As long as I lead my life, without harming anyone else, I consider it the ideal life. In fact, better than christian life of not even speaking vulgarities. That is the most stupid thing I've ever heard of. Vulgarities are a way of expressing yourself. Even if you curb it they are still the same DAMN person, whether you like it or not. So yes, just give up on trying.

And i realise that even though I keep on joking that I should open an entertainment company in the future, I realise that I AM having one now. I'm portraying the image, "Geez, there's nothing to do, I'm bored, gosh.... AHA! There's always that pathetic individual Alex who is always there to entertain me. let's call him and chat with him till I have something that's more important, and then I'll go 'hey alex im sorry my mum/dad/tutor/piano teacher is here. sorry bye!' Isn't that like uber convenient? A suuperb entertainment company. But yeah, I feel so empty after that. Beyond all the scandals and bullshit, I'm liking someone for the SAKE of liking someone. I just want something called ACCEPTANCE in a social circle. I'm desperate for it, and it IS the basis for my life now. And if I lose that motivation, you'll never find that always-jovial smiling me anymore. All you get is day after day of the reenactment of this blog post. I AM wounded inside, DEEPLY. and no one's here to heal me. not my family, not my friends, not my teachers, not my relatives, not ANYONE. All i get are phone calls to get to work and entertain, homework to prove my scholarly achievements, sms-es to chat nonsense, phone bills to anger my mum and dad, pressure to do well, talks on how i should sleep early cos of my health, trouble from family, random pissed off people talking ot me, all the crap and bullshit my life is filled of. i am EMPTY and hollow inside and no matter how many damn testimonials i go wow and yes to it doesn help. i say that for the sake of lip service. they get 'saved' cos they just commit everything to church, but my life isn't like that! i carn just go 'fuck' you sir' and abscond from NPCC to go church for follow up. or usher's training. i carn get ANYTHING out of church. Its not TEACHING me anything new and out of the ordinary. except drums. thats why im going back to church. after the exam a few weeks later, say bye bye to me for I am never going to go church again.

And my family is screwed up. Why is my dad and mum like that? No one knows. My dad is an asshole, and in front of everyone I go wow hes so good, not strict at all for the sake of his stupid FACE. My mum, always troubled. And im the only pacifier. I pacify her all the time, and I'm TIRED. AM i just a cushion for you to hug when you are sad, bored, lonely, desperate? I'm just another random individual in everyone's life, notorious for my flirtatious outlook to life. and they dun even ASK why. they just go 'omg alex's so freaking flirt! he bring GIRLS to concert' and dun realise that its becos they dun accept me that i turn to other avenues. i just carn act like a retard like those people in my class, based on their individualistic characteristics. Like I'm SORRY? am i supposed to be? Sigh.

Screwed up life. And this is how I'm venting it all out. And no one's supposed to see this. But I'm posting it anyway. I guess after this I do homework? Ok. Schizophrenic me.

-Lonely Person-
5:18 PM